A Confession


For the past few months I’ve been in a slump. Since April my trips to the gym have been sporadic. My food choices have been less than great. I haven’t tracked my food…or my weight.

Today, August 1, I faced the scale. As expected, I’ve gained a few pounds.

Sigh.

It’s time to reign it back in. One day at a time I’m going to clean up my food, get back to the gym (I began improving my workout frequency in July), and most important, work on the spiritual, emotional and mental stuff…the stuff than can cause me to turn to my drug of choice, food.

I’ve intentionally waited to write about this until I was ready to share the reasons I’d gotten into a slump in the first place. Here goes…

For the past 15 years I’ve worked for a wonderful organization filled with compassionate, hardworking people.  For many years I loved working there. But for the past few years I’ve felt as though the organization and I were no longer a fit for each other. Advances in technology…those wonderful tools that are supposed to make us more efficient…entered the workplace, and I allowed myself to get sucked into a vortex where 24-hour connectivity is the norm. I checked my work email ’round the clock; I checked in while on vacation. I forgot to have a life. I forgot that it’s important to have work/life balance. Oh, I remembered to preach it to others, but I was a complete phony when it came to practicing balance. I don’t blame the organization for this; I blame myself.

About two years ago I told myself it was time to leave. But the organization had an Interim CEO and being a member of senior management, I didn’t feel good about leaving during such a time.

About the time our permanent CEO arrived I began taking some classes. In one course we studied core principles. One of them is “People Have Choices.”  I’d forgotten that I have choices. I was working hard every day at a job that no longer gave me joy. Looking back on it, I think I was reluctant to leave because it is such a great place with a great mission. But the fact that the organization is great doesn’t mean I need to be there. So I created the intention to leave.

While creating an intention was a positive step, it stirred up feelings of fear and grief. It made me sad to think of no longer working with colleagues who mean a lot to me. Also, while there were job openings in my field, nothing really created a spark of interest for me. I’ve never been one to spend my work week going through the motions. I was determined to wait it out until I could interview with an organization that really excited me. But how long would it be before such an opportunity presented itself?

It was during this period of uncertainty and, well, mourning for the job I intended to leave, that I started struggling with workouts and food choices. It would only be two months from the time I set the intention to leave my job until I became aware of an opening with an organization I’d love to join. Three weeks after beginning the interview process, I was blessed to receive an offer (which I enthusiastically accepted). From start to finish, we’re talking three short months from my setting the intention to turning in my letter of resignation. Three months is a blink of an eye when I think of people I know and love who have been job seeking in this economy. But three months without my healthy physical/emotional/spiritual habits feels like an eternity. I’m trying to resist the urge to kick myself for allowing work to get in the way of my healthy habits. The better thing to do is learn from this and move on.

I start my new job on Monday following a two week break between assignments. I’m using this gift of time to reboot myself. I can already tell I’m going to start my new job feeling re-energized. And I’m making a commitment to myself to approach my new opportunity with a healthy balance. I want to give it my all when I’m working, but when I’m on my own time I plan to really live my life. During the interview process I grilled my future boss on the issue of work/life balance. I’m convinced I’m going to have a great role model.

It’s been said that “confession is good for the soul.” I’ve shared all of this with a trusted adviser and now I’ve thrown it out into cyberspace.

I feel better already.

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2 Responses to A Confession

  1. Rebekah Hayes says:

    Congrats on your new path, Pam. I look forward to hearing more!

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