This Email Message Made My Day

Pam-

So I’ll go ahead and admit what I’ve been able to share with almost no one, though my guess is you probably knew…I was a closet smoker for 20 years. I’m talking serious closet, as in lying to everyone, including my husband, about the extent of it. (I recently found out that my child knew for years…doh!)

Anyway, I am now 2.5 months past done. As in, I QUIT. For good. Really. And likely feel similar to some of your emotions through your journey…pissed off at myself for giving in the thousand times I’ve tried to quit before, angry at the physiological changes I’m dealing with because of my own choices, and proud as hell to be determined to be committed to ME, one day at a time. 

Why tell you? I was so in the closet on smoking (I’ll say it…I was a SMOKER. Ugh!) that I can’t “out” myself about my pride over quitting to most of my friends…not an addiction many in my industry understand…

But I want you to know that your blog helps people. People like me, in hiding, ashamed, etc. Your blog, sharing your experience, really matters. It’s made all the difference for me. And I thank you. 

xoxo,

Name Withheld

When I called my friend to thank her and ask her permission to share her email message with you, she said, “Reading your blog makes me feel like I can do anything!” She was so excited about being tobacco-free. Her voice was electric.

So why am I sharing this? There’s a saying in self-help and recovery circles: You’re only as sick as your secrets. While this friend of mine hasn’t been able to freely share about her tobacco addiction, she told one person. She shined a beam of light on a part of her that had been in the dark for 20 years. Twenty years! If she chooses to, she can remain tobacco-free one day at a time for the rest of her life. I’m betting she’ll be successful.

I started writing this little blog two years ago to keep myself accountable. I wasn’t trying to be an inspiration or a role model. In fact, there wasn’t much about me that I’d have considered inspiring. If one person reads something here that helps him or her live a healthier life, I feel happy…

And humble.

One day at a time.

Some Inspiration: Guest Post

It’s January 23. We are beginning our 4th week of the year. How are you doing with that New Year’s Resolution to lose weight? To exercise more? My gym is packed as it is every January. But I know that by Valentine’s Day I’ll no longer have trouble getting a bike in spin class and I won’t have to stand in line for the shower.

I’d like you to meet a friend on mine. Will McKenzie and I teach English as a Second Language together. Last year he had to take a hiatus due to his school schedule. When he returned a semester later, the only reason I recognized him was that I’d seen Facebook photos of his incredible transformation. Other teachers in our program had no idea who he was; the change was that dramatic.

Will didn’t begin his journey on January 1. He began during the holidays of 2010. I hope you’ll enjoy his story which he wrote last month.

One morning a little over a year ago I awoke and looked in the mirror and what I saw both frightened and disgusted me. I was five foot ten and weighed 290 lbs. I was eating like a garbage disposal, and I looked like it. I had been regularly buying a bag of donuts and a gallon of whole milk to wash it down, then grabbing a king size Snickers on the way out the door to hold me over until I got home and could open my bag of donuts. I was slowly killing myself. I wore a size 44 pants and an XL shirt and most women looked at me as that cute, fat guy. I had had enough.

I had a fiancé, a recent foray back into world of education, and the sense that my life was actually looking up. But I realized that might not be a good thing because I was headed to an early grave.  So I started looking around. I got all über motivated and thought “I’m a former Marine, I’ll do P90X.” I made it half way through the first routine and collapsed. So I started looking at better options. I discovered Power 90. It was a much slower and easier routine which someone in my condition certainly needed.

I was in Kroger one night buying my customary bag of donuts and overheard someone talking about “eating clean.”  At first I thought she was referencing one of those miracle diets, but as I looked into it I realized she wasn’t and that what she was saying actually made sense. So my fiancé and I began eating healthier right at the beginning of the holiday season.

We passed on all the cakes and candies at my grandmother’s and we ate within our portion sizes; we worked out on Christmas day. After only a month I had dropped 15 lbs and my fiance had dropped 7. Encouraged by our results we pushed on, moving from Power 90, to the P90 Masters Series to P90X. I went from not being able to walk up a flight of stairs to being able to do plyometrics for an hour without a break. I have lost a net of 70 lbs. I went down to 195 lbs and then put 20 lbs back on. This was actually planned, though as I wanted to bulk  up and put on some muscle. I am now shedding some fat over the holidays and plan to be back down to around 200-205 by the time school starts back at which point I will back in the gym hardcore trying to pack on some more muscle for summer.  I will be paying even better attention to what I eat.

The moral of the story is that if my fat, slovenly rear end can quit making excuses and get it done anyone can. I did the whole “I’m just big, I have a slow metabolism; I don’t really eat worse than anyone else”…blah blah blah. I had to quit lying to myself and just do it. I was hungry, I was sore, and I was sweaty and miserable. Heck that still applies to me on a regular basis, but I am also healthier, have more energy, and am stronger than I ever have been in my life…at thirty six years old.

The trick is to realize what you need to do, find the program you can do, and commit to it. In over a year I have missed a total of 10 workouts. If you do not commit you will not succeed so quit messing around eating cottage cheese to stick to your “diet” and make the switch.

It is a lifetime thing.

Here's Will before he began his health transformation.

Look at him now! (Note: since this photo was taken he's grown out his hair and beard. He still looks great!)

Poor Paula Deen

Cyberspace has gone crazy since Paula Deen’s earth-shattering revelation that she has Type 2 Diabetes. Health bloggers are weighing in (pun intended). Deeniacs are going crazy over the fitness folks’ posts.

I’ve been kicking around my own ideas for a Paula post. I have so many thoughts about her recent Type 2 Diabetes announcement. She’s now saying she’s always said to eat her dishes in moderation, ya’ll. But people hardwired like me can’t eat one bacon-wrapped deep-fried macaroni and cheese square (actually, the thought of that disgusts me). I certainly can’t eat Paula’s sugary crap.

I just finished reading a post by Christy Diane Farr. Christy is a life coach and I’ve been working with her. Her coaching methods are helping me with my Decluttering Project to End All Decluttering Projects (more on that in a future post). Anyway, Christie must have read my mind because her post explains my thought to a tee (or in Dean’s case a tea cake).

Rather than reinvent the wheel, I’ll just share the link to her post. I hope you’ll give it a read.

They Struggle Like Many of Us

Last week my local daily newspaper ran a story about Tennessee Titan Shaun Smith. Smith had a sub-par season and he blames it on being overweight. You can read the story here.

Now, people. Shaun Smith is PAID to be in good physical shape. As a defensive tackle he doesn’t even have to be thin. You’d think that someone who’s earning $7.25 million over three years will do whatever it takes to be in top shape, right?

I see it differently. Rather than judge Shaun Smith, I realize he’s human like the rest of us. Some people struggle to quit smoking. Some have difficulties with anger management. Shaun Smith and plenty of others have trouble pushing away from the dinner table. I’m not suggesting Smith is a disordered eater (that’s a self diagnosis) but I am,  so I can imagine how awful it would feel to show up at practice, knowing the coaches are noticing the weight gain. What do “foodies” who when under pressure? Untreated, we turn to our vice, which only exacerbates the problem.

Just this morning I saw a clip on the Today Show. The topic was about whether a future presidential run by New Jersey Gov Chris Christie would be hampered by his obesity. The talking heads felt that his weight would be an issue. One said something to the effect of “If he can’t control his eating how can he run a country?”

And let’s not forget the world’s most famous yo-yo dieter, Oprah Winfrey. Her TV show earned her ginormous wealth and yet she famously struggled with her weight in front of millions of viewers. I can’t imagine that kind of pressure.

Again, I’m not labeling Smith, Christie, or Winfrey as being people with eating disorders. I’m sure they can figure out their personal issues without any help from me. But I’m suggesting that many people struggle with something be it weight, alcohol, finances, smoking, etc.

Being athletically blessed or politically connected doesn’t give one a pass from being human. But they are not excuses for ignoring an issue.

In a post next week I’m going to introduce you to my friend, Will McKenzie. He faced his issues head-on and has made an incredible health transformation. He works hard for a living, he’s a student, and he’s engaged. As busy as he is, he chucked the excuses and got his awesome self in great shape.  I think you’ll be inspired. I am.

 

Wheat-Free Living: A Preliminary Report

Warning: this post includes TMI.

Last week I began an attempt at wheat-free living. I was going to give it a month and then introduce a small amount of wheat into a meal and judge how I felt afterward. Throughout the week I noticed my nose was running like a faucet and I sneezed constantly. I know it was not a cold because the discharge was clear (TMI). I chalked it up to detox symptoms as I believe wheat and white flour affect my sinuses. I was willing to tough it out in hopes of feeling fantastic once the detoxification period was over.

On Saturday night hubs and I ate at a restaurant. I thoughtlessly ordered chicken that was breaded. Within the hour my eyelids got really puffy and my eyes started secreting sticky tears (more TMI). I felt miserable the rest of the night. I awoke Sunday morning looking like I’d spent the night watching sad movies. I no longer believe I need to experiment for a month. I believe I’m allergic to wheat.

A friend of mine read my last post and emailed me a website that offers gluten-free products. I’m going to check it out; I’m on the hunt for wheat-free alternatives.

I still owe you a one-month report on February 9. Hopefully, one day at at time I’ll remain wheat-free and that report will not contain TMI.

Wish me luck.

Entering Unchartered Territory: Wheat-Free Living

I’ve recently re-read two books. I read them annually as one year ends and another begins. The books are Food Addiction: The Body Knows by Kay Sheppard and Trust God (and buy broccoli) by life coach Gerri Helms.

Every time I read these books I’m reminded of what I already know: there are certain food ingredients that I simply can not eat because ingesting them sets up cravings for more. Those ingredients are sugar and white flour. Admittedly I’ll let white flour sneak back into my food plan, I feel gross, and then I make the decision to once again abstain. After a detox period that lasts between three and 10 days, I begin to feel better and I don’t miss flour at all. If I feel great without white flour, why reintroduce it? I may now have the answer.

This time when I read the books I picked up information that I seem to have ignored in the past. (I think that’s called denial.) The authors suggest that people like me may have issues with wheat in addition to white flour. The thought is that some people are sensitive to wheat; that particular grain causes cravings. I’ve never before tried to abstain from wheat. Even while eliminating white flour I’d still enjoy whole wheat pasta, etc.

Last week I tried to kick wheat. I had some fits and starts. I pretty much caved over the weekend. But I’m going to give wheat-free living a 30 day try. I owe you a report on February 9. In the meantime, if I feel miserable from the detox, I’ll be sure to whine about it here.

So what about you? Do you abstain from wheat? Anyone want to give me tips, recipes or pearls of wisdom? Is there life after pizza? Please share in the comments section.

 

Being in the Game Is Enough

I’m a Vanderbilt fan. Always have been. Always will be. Vanderbilt football fans are long-suffering. I’ve spent years watching my team wrestle defeat out of the jaws of victory. So when my team became bowl eligible, hubs and I decided we were going to go to the game.

We spent New Year’s Eve traveling to Memphis for the Liberty Bowl, watching the game, and traveling back to Nashville. It was a long day and the outcome of the game was not what I wanted. Yep, we lost.

We took a chartered bus and on the way home there was a bit of grousing about the bad experience. I have to admit, there was a moment during the 3rd quarter when I was mentally calculating the amount of money we spent on the day. But even though we lost, I really had a great time. So much so that I plan to frame our Liberty Bowl poster and tickets.

Vanderbilt has only been to five bowl games in the school’s history. The last one (2007) was on a New Year’s Eve Friday and I needed to work. (As a fundraiser, I never take a vacation day on New Year’s Eve. That’s a day when donors want to make last minute gifts and I want to be available to them.) The bowl game before that was in 1982 and I was a broke college student.

Fast forward to 2011: Why did I enjoy six hours of travel, an over-priced tail-gait luncheon and a game loss? All my life I’ve watched bowl games on television. The stands are filled with happy people wearing their team’s colors. Most of the fans had to travel to get to the game. Half of those fans leave disappointed. But at least they got to cheer on their team in a bowl game. I’ve always wanted to be one of those cheering fans. On Saturday I was.

I liken it to all of the 5Ks, half marathons, and even my 2011 marathon attempt. I’m a slow runner and the Olympic Committee is not looking for me. But I get to be out there with other members of the running community. Every time I pin a bib on my shirt and line up at the race, I feel like someone who gets to sit at the cool kids’ table in the school cafeteria. Running races was something I enjoyed in my 20s. But once I started spiraling into disordered eating, races were a thing of the past and something I thought I would never do again. Now, after losing 91 pounds (and counting), getting back out there brings me joy.

Sure, I would have been overjoyed if Vandy had won on Saturday. If I ever race and place in my age division I might die from a shock-induced heart attack. But for me, just being there is enough.

Back In Training…Sort Of

My last endurance event, a half marathon, was in mid October. By the time I finished, I was burned out from what for me was a grueling 2011 schedule: three half marathons and one marathon attempt (I covered 21 miles, but lived to try again).

Since October, I’ve not been able to stomach the thought of training for anything. So for the past two and a half months I’ve been working out with a simple goal…to keep moving and burn calories. My intention was to work out six days a week. And then came December. My schedule got in the way and I only made it to the gym three or four days a week.  I remember a time when I would have let my hectic schedule be an excuse to blow off workouts until January 1. I’ll claim victory in that I’ve gotten to the gym when possible.

There’s a half marathon on my schedule for March 10. Honestly, I haven’t been able to get myself jazzed about training for it. I told my friend and running mentor Lynn that I might skip the event. Her response: “You’ve taken a break from training. You were burned out and you needed the break. But you’re break is over. Start training.”

And so I have…sort of. Last week I dusted off a 12-week training plan, checked my calendar and discovered the event is…um… 12 weeks away.  I ran the prescribed three miles last Monday, then promptly came down with a cold and cough on Tuesday. Good times. I managed an indoor cardio session on Saturday and another this morning. I’m not yet ready to run due to chest congestion, but I’m hopeful I can resume by Wednesday or Thursday.

I hate it when Lynn’s right, but that initial training session felt good. I think I’m bouncing back.

I’m Not a Scrooge, But…

I’m completely overwhelmed.

• December is one of my busiest months at the office. There’s no time to take a day off to tackle holiday shopping, etc.
• Hub’s birthday is in mid-December. Yay.
• This year a dear friend of mine is graduating from college. I wouldn’t miss her celebration for the world. So this Christmas season includes a weekend road trip.
• I’m maintaining a workout schedule of 5-6 sessions per week.
• My house is in extreme disarray as hubs and I prepare to have some flooring installed…some day.

I almost lost it yesterday. I shared that factoid with a colleague today and she said she would never have known it. While I was glad to hear that, I now realize I’m keeping my feelings bottled up. That’s not good. Feeling overwhelmed + not expressing it = a recipe for disaster. And for me disaster means stuffing my face full of crap I have no business eating in a misguided attempt to salve the feelings.

So here’s what I’m doing about it.

I’m telling you. The simple act of writing this post makes me feel a little bit better. I’m also eliminating things on my to do list that aren’t completely necessary. For example:

• I’m not decorating for Christmas. Oh, the horror! With my house in the afore mentioned disarray, decorating around out-of-place furniture doesn’t make sense to me.
• I’m not sending personal Christmas cards. If you’ve been on my card list for the past umpteen years, know that I still love you to pieces. I’ll send you two cards next year as a make up.
• I’ll blog when I can. When I don’t have time, I simply won’t post.

I still carry a lot of “shoulds” in my head so giving myself permission to let go of the unnecessary feels a bit strange. But right now I’ll take sanity over a perfectly decorated Christmas tree.

No, I’m not a Scrooge.

I’m just a chick on the brink of losing it. And that’s not ok.

Subweight at Subway

I was absolutely dragging yesterday. I was on Day 2 of operating on not nearly enough sleep. I had no energy and felt terrible. I didn’t pack a lunch so I made a quick run to Subway. (I know.) Anyway, as I was paying for my meal, the lady in line behind me said, “Wow, you’ve really lost weight.” I turned around expecting to see someone I knew. But I’d never seen her before in my life. I’m sure I had a puzzled look on my face. She repeated the comment nodding toward my open wallet.  She was looking at my driver’s license photo.

I confirmed the obvious (I hate my license photo). She congratulated me, and I went on my way. I don’t know what caused her to notice my photo, but my exhausted self was grateful for the affirmation.